The Rizzuto Show | Daily Comedy Podcast
The Rizzuto Show Comedy Podcast | 105.7 The Point | Hubbard Radio | Gamut Podcast Network
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Taco Tragedies & Musical Mayhem
Melissa is celebrating her 40th birthday with The Rizzuto Show, Rafe is preparing to claim an entire weekend for HIS birthday, and somewhere in St. Charles, a taco restaurant has fallen. We begin this comedy show with birthday business. Rafe’s birthday is September 30th, but a Wednesday birthday simply isn’t good enough for a man who understands branding. So he’s claiming the following weekend and bringing four shows to the St. Charles Funny Bone, complete with guest comics, surprise appearances and improvised stand-up based on audience suggestions. Melissa even gets recruited to promote the shows. Her sales pitch? Rafe is hilarious, you’ll laugh until you cry, and his opening comics are great, too. Rafe then requests a special birthday greeting in Melissa’s signature delivery. Tickets sold... Probably. Talking about the Funny Bone naturally leads to the dining options around St. Charles, where the crew discovers the former Mission Taco/Session Taco location has apparently closed. RIP tacos. The mean streets of St. Charles remain undefeated. Fortunately, there are still plenty of options for anybody planning dinner before Rafe’s show, including the possibility of absolutely destroying yourself at a Brazilian steakhouse before waddling into the comedy club carrying enough meat to hibernate through winter. Rizz knows the danger. The card stays green. The meat keeps coming. Eventually, your body starts sending emergency alerts. Rafe suggests a simple plan: MEAT up, then MEET up. Comedy AND wordplay. We’re earning our FCC license today. But enough birthday promotion. It’s time for the main event: Do It Bitch. Team Rafe and Melissa takes on Team Lern and Moon in a best-of-five battle where gamblers bid on how many items their partners can name from a category in ten seconds. If you think the other team has bid too high? Do it, bitch. Simple. Except nothing becomes simple once a microphone and ten-second timer are involved. The first category is standard breakfast foods. Melissa starts conservatively, but the bidding quickly climbs until Moon says Lern can name seven. Challenge accepted. Lern steps up and immediately rattles off eggs, bacon, fruit, pancakes, French toast, omelets, sausage and oatmeal. Done. She even throws in an extra answer for good measure. Team Lern and Moon takes the early lead, and Melissa gets her first lesson in competitive morning radio: Confidence is wonderful until somebody turns on the clock. Then comes geography. Oh no. The category is U.S. states that touch an ocean, with Gulf states also accepted. Lern knows Moon is well traveled and confidently opens at seven. Rafe knows Melissa specifically warned him before the game that geography might not be her strongest category. Unfortunately, gambling requires courage. The bid reaches eight. Lern calls it. Melissa is up. New York. New Jersey. Pennsylvania. Maine. Michigan. And then everything falls apart. Pennsylvania isn’t helping. Michigan is busy hanging out with the Great Lakes. And suddenly the Pacific Coast may as well be located on another planet. Melissa discovers the brutal truth of this comedy show: knowing something while sitting comfortably at home and knowing something while Rizz stares at you with ten seconds on the clock are two completely different forms of intelligence. Round three brings soft drinks. Surely this will be easier. The bidding climbs all the way to nine brands, and Lern gets another opportunity to put the game away. Pepsi. Coca-Cola. Dr Pepper. Mountain Dew. 7UP. Sprite. Mr. Pibb. A&W Root Beer. And then… “Mother EFF!” TIME. She nearly gets there, but her insistence on saying “we have” between practically every answer burns precious seconds. Suddenly Rafe and Melissa are still alive. Barely. Meanwhile, another mystery has developed inside the studio. There is something weird on the door. It’s wet. It’s greasy. Nobody knows exactly what it is. People keep touching it despite repeatedly discussing how disgusting it feels. Eventually, the working theory becomes that somebody used the wrong cleaning product on the door plates while preparing for the boss to visit. This does not stop the show from giving the substance a significantly worse nickname. Professional broadcasting. Round four arrives. The category: Musical instruments. This should be perfect for Moon. Lern immediately says he can name nine. Rafe knows she’s probably right. So when the bidding reaches ten for Melissa, there’s nowhere left to run. Do it. Melissa needs ten instruments in ten seconds to keep her team alive. She steps to the microphone. Bass. Drums. Violin. Harp. And then the human brain simply closes for business. Panic. Silence. The birthday girl is toast. Team Lern and Moon wins, with Rafe giving Lern full credit for playing a ridiculously strong game. Unfortunately, this is Do It Bitch. Winning isn’t merely about pride. The losers get shot with an airsoft gun. And because Melissa wanted the COMPLETE Rizz Show birthday experience, she’s apparently willing to take her punishment. Moon is considerably less enthusiastic about shooting a guest. Rizz insists. Moon refuses. An ethical debate erupts over who should administer the punishment, complete with arguments about executioners, judges, feminism and whether refusing to shoot the birthday girl actually represents equality. Totally normal workplace discussion. Eventually Lern steps in to handle it. Melissa gets into position. Three… Two… One… SHOT. And her reaction? Basically nothing. After all that buildup, Melissa says it didn’t really hurt. She’s had Nerf darts hurt worse. The crew is stunned because everybody else acts like getting hit with this thing is equivalent to being struck by artillery. Melissa casually explains that she’s probably going to bruise but otherwise seems completely unbothered. Rafe’s medical diagnosis? Maybe she has an ass-circulation problem. Excellent. So what have we learned? Rafe is commandeering an entire weekend for his birthday. Brazilian steakhouses should come with recovery rooms. Lern is terrifyingly good at breakfast. Melissa should avoid geography categories. Saying “we have” nine times is a terrible speed-game strategy. Four musical instruments can suddenly feel like the complete history of music. Never touch unidentified substances on studio doors. And if you donate thousands of dollars to charity and spend your birthday with The Rizzuto Show, we might celebrate your generosity by shooting you in the butt. This comedy show is nothing if not hospitable. Happy birthday, Melissa. Happy early birthday, Rafe. And rest in peace, St. Charles tacos. You deserved better. Follow The Rizzuto Show → linktr.ee/rizzshow for more from your favorite daily comedy show. Connect with The Rizzuto Show Comedy Podcast online → 1057thepoint.com/RizzShow. Hear The Rizz Show daily on the radio at 105.7 The Point | Hubbard Radio in St. Louis, MO. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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