19 Nocturne Boulevard
Julie Hoverson
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Sword Kvetch by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)
When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical. Cast List Cael - Julie Hoverson Amalan - Krystal Baker Mazurin - Gareth Bowley Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf Prince Tupin - Abner Senires Music: Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen Editing / Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's a road through a dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle" ________________________________________________ SWORD KVETCH Cast: Mazurin, Evil Wizard Cael, Amazon Warrior Tupin, Captive Prince Gigli, Goblin Amalan, Magic Sword OLIVIA What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell? MUSIC AMB SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS SOUND WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE SOUND HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER CAEL [sigh] Typical. AMALAN What? CAEL I could write a ballad already. AMALAN Oh, no. No, no, no - that's not your job. CAEL Shh. I'm composing. [muttering to self] AMALAN [whispered] [sigh] Typical. CAEL Evil castle looms ahead.... Hmm... Nighttime, need to rest my head-- AMALAN You can't rhyme head with ahead. CAEL It rhymes, doesn't it? AMALAN [exasperated sigh] CAEL [vague threat] I'm getting another sword. AMALAN You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me. CAEL [exasperated sigh] AMALAN And who could you ever pass me off to? CAEL Someone deaf. MUSIC AMD ECHOEY CASTLE SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN GIGLI [coming on] Master! Master! MAZURIN [distracted] Mm? GIGLI Master! MAZURIN Shh-shh-shh. [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi? GIGLI But master--! MAZURIN [tsks] I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust. GIGLI [flat] Why? MAZURIN It's a vital transmutation. A change like this could make a great deal of difference! GIGLI To a thirsty cockroach? MAZURIN No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change-- GIGLI [sigh] Sir? MAZURIN --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture. And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust! GIGLI Good. Lovely. Can I report now? It's kind of urgent. SOUND FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC. MAZURIN [still distracted] Uh - what? Yes, of course, go ahead. GIGLI Are you listening? SOUND BOTTLE SET DOWN MAZURIN [distant] Of course. GIGLI [exasperated] Oh! SOUND BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR MAZURIN What? Why did you--? GIGLI Listening now? MAZURIN [annoyed] Yes, get on with it! GIGLI Someone is approaching the castle! MAZURIN [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses. GIGLI It's an Amazon! MAZURIN [mildly interested] Oh, that's different. [shrug] Still, the defenses... GIGLI The moat monster is in labor. MAZURIN I thought it laid eggs. GIGLI Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it. And it's not best pleased about it. MAZURIN Oh. GIGLI And the man-eating vines--? MAZURIN What? I didn't do-- They're not giving birth, are they? GIGLI Think it through? MAZURIN What? GIGLI Man-eating vines? Amazon warrior? MAZURIN [realizing slowly] Oh? Oh! GIGLI [sigh] MUSIC SOUND HOOFBEATS ON WOOD AMALAN Cael, I don't like this. CAEL You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle? AMALAN [sarcastic] No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'. Of course that's what I mean! There must be a trap-- CAEL I'll keep my eyes peeled. AMALAN Me too. CAEL You haven't any eyes. AMALAN Don't nitpick. SOUND HOOFBEATS STOP SOUND TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL CAEL [musing] No reception committee. No moat monster.... The gargoyles? AMALAN They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there. CAEL Well, then. SOUND DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS SOUND POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR AMALAN Subtlety. I like it. CAEL It's what I do. MUSIC SOUND DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR GIGLI [calling from off] Master! MAZURIN Stop banging, Gigli. SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH GIGLI [a little closer] They're at the door! MAZURIN Tell them we don't want any. GIGLI [almost here] The Amazon? MAZURIN Oh, yes. She got through the defenses--? Oh, yes of course. GIGLI What are you going to do? MAZURIN Oh, the usual. GIGLI [sigh, down] Send me to find out what she wants? MAZURIN Good idea. Let me know what she says. MUSIC SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR AMALAN If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses. CAEL The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle. AMALAN They might not know. CAEL Yes. [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out-- GIGLI [yelling from off, above] Hail, warrior! CAEL Hmm. Manners. [up] Who hails me? GIGLI I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer-- AMALAN [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance? CAEL [side of mouth] Shh. [up] I have come to face your wizard. Open the gate. GIGLI What is your charge? Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage. AMALAN Crooking tiers? CAEL [tiny sigh] I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie-- AMALAN With a minor in [shudder] songwriting... CAEL --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer-- AMALAN [muttered] Ballbuster. CAEL [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage. GIGLI And my boss is supposed to care - why? CAEL The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours. AMALAN Excessive. CAEL And thus have I come to reclaim him. GIGLI Oh! Right. Hold on, I'll tell the wizard. CAEL Where'd he go? AMALAN Ducked behind one of those excrescences. CAEL I didn't see any of those. AMALAN [exasperated] The gargoyles. CAEL So we wait for the wizard to speak. SOUND DRUMMING OF FINGERS AMALAN Oh, you're not-- CAEL "Green and crooked, small and beady"... [searching for a rhyme] beady? Beeeee-dy. AMALAN Eyes are beady. He was more... seedy. CAEL Ah! "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady". AMALAN [sigh] MUSIC SOUND SCRITCHING OF A PEN SOUND SLAPPING FEET RUN UP GIGLI [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off] Sire! She's here for him! SOUND DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS MAZURIN Him? Oh, well. That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and-- GIGLI You can't just hand him over! MAZURIN Why not? Then she'll go away. Problem solved. GIGLI [exasperated sigh] Tradition? Ring a bell? MAZURIN Tradition? Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like-- GIGLI No! But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness. [muttered] And so she'll keep him once she gets him. MAZURIN Oh. I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks. What does tradition say? GIGLI I'll make you up some note cards. Want me to let her in? MAZURIN An... Amazon? Don't they sleep in barns or something? GIGLI I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her. I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner. MAZURIN I will? GIGLI Tradition. MAZURIN [pouting] Fine. Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes. MUSIC GIGLI [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly. SOUND BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL AMALAN Roomy. CAEL Kind of dusty, isn't it? AMALAN Hard to keep help in an evil castle. CAEL [agreeing] Hmm. SOUND POOF! MAZURIN [booming voice] Dusty? Humph! SOUND POOF! SOUND WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER. AMALAN [doubtful] Impressive? MAZURIN [muttered] Oh, drat. CAEL [wiping her face] Well, that's new. SOUND SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF MAZURIN [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on. AMALAN You could use it, back home. CAEL Shh. AMALAN You could finally get your quarters clean. CAEL Shh! MAZURIN What? CAEL Nothing. [declaring] Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed. This is my quest. [snarls] Do not stand in my way. MAZURIN Oh, of course not. AMALAN What? GIGLI [hissed] Master! MAZURIN Huh? Oh right - as long as-- um, you--
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