19 Nocturne Boulevard
Julie Hoverson
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Sword Kvetch by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)
When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical. Cast List Cael - Julie Hoverson Amalan - Krystal Baker Mazurin - Gareth Bowley Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf Prince Tupin - Abner Senires Music: Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen Editing / Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's a road through a dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle" ________________________________________________ SWORD KVETCH Cast: Mazurin, Evil Wizard Cael, Amazon Warrior Tupin, Captive Prince Gigli, Goblin Amalan, Magic Sword OLIVIA What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell? MUSIC AMB SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS SOUND WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE SOUND HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER CAEL [sigh] Typical. AMALAN What? CAEL I could write a ballad already. AMALAN Oh, no. No, no, no - that's not your job. CAEL Shh. I'm composing. [muttering to self] AMALAN [whispered] [sigh] Typical. CAEL Evil castle looms ahead.... Hmm... Nighttime, need to rest my head-- AMALAN You can't rhyme head with ahead. CAEL It rhymes, doesn't it? AMALAN [exasperated sigh] CAEL [vague threat] I'm getting another sword. AMALAN You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me. CAEL [exasperated sigh] AMALAN And who could you ever pass me off to? CAEL Someone deaf. MUSIC AMD ECHOEY CASTLE SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN GIGLI [coming on] Master! Master! MAZURIN [distracted] Mm? GIGLI Master! MAZURIN Shh-shh-shh. [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi? GIGLI But master--! MAZURIN [tsks] I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust. GIGLI [flat] Why? MAZURIN It's a vital transmutation. A change like this could make a great deal of difference! GIGLI To a thirsty cockroach? MAZURIN No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change-- GIGLI [sigh] Sir? MAZURIN --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture. And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust! GIGLI Good. Lovely. Can I report now? It's kind of urgent. SOUND FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC. MAZURIN [still distracted] Uh - what? Yes, of course, go ahead. GIGLI Are you listening? SOUND BOTTLE SET DOWN MAZURIN [distant] Of course. GIGLI [exasperated] Oh! SOUND BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR MAZURIN What? Why did you--? GIGLI Listening now? MAZURIN [annoyed] Yes, get on with it! GIGLI Someone is approaching the castle! MAZURIN [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses. GIGLI It's an Amazon! MAZURIN [mildly interested] Oh, that's different. [shrug] Still, the defenses... GIGLI The moat monster is in labor. MAZURIN I thought it laid eggs. GIGLI Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it. And it's not best pleased about it. MAZURIN Oh. GIGLI And the man-eating vines--? MAZURIN What? I didn't do-- They're not giving birth, are they? GIGLI Think it through? MAZURIN What? GIGLI Man-eating vines? Amazon warrior? MAZURIN [realizing slowly] Oh? Oh! GIGLI [sigh] MUSIC SOUND HOOFBEATS ON WOOD AMALAN Cael, I don't like this. CAEL You mean the way nothing at
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