19 Nocturne Boulevard
Julie Hoverson
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Project Top Hat by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard Reissue of the Week)
once more, we return to the world of zombies.... Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson [warning - foul language] ******************************************************************* Tammuz Corporation has barely settled back in as top producer of undead workforce, when something much worse comes out of R&D. Cast List Fred - Leonard Streeper June - Melissa Bartell Dill - Mark Olson Chambers - Dave Marshall Dr. Plasmus - Kim Poole Landon Frost - Chris Barnes Pamela Frost - Julie Hoverson Doctor - James Sedgwick Nurse - Rachel Cavic Interviewer - Russell Gold Music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com Cover art by Julie Hoverson INTERLUDES: Cricket - Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson, M. Siero Garcia, Katy Fontenot Courtroom - Carl Cubbedge, Tanja Milojevic Champion Chum - Katy Fontenot, Rachel Cavic, Reynaud LeBoeuf Save the Zombies - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard New Year's Head Swaps - Justin Charles, Crystal Dennis Life Insurance - Joe Stofko Big Bob's - Richard Summers Lecturer - Robert Cudmore Classroom - Janny Hilverts, Katy Fontenot, Sirena Carroll, Mike Campbell, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson Zombie Show - Gareth Bowley Survivalists - Dave Fontenot, Matthew McLean "Working Stiff" - Chris Stockett Edna's Chum - M. Siero Garcia Scam - Rick Lewis Zombie Lib - Derek Koch Old Zombie Spice - Morgan Brown "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a secret lab, deep in the Tammuz Corporation, can't you tell?" *************************************************************************************** Project Top Hat Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Landon Frost, TV show host Pamela Frost, his wife Fred and June Doctor Plasmus, top researcher Chambers - executive Dill - less important executive OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a Top Secret Lab, on the human side of the wall, in the world of zombies, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND computer and lab noises LANDON [on TV] I'm Landon Frost, and tonight on "the Z word," we'll take a behind the scenes look at how zombies are used in the manufacture of your dog's kibble. FRED How can they feed zombies to dogs? JUNE Ambulates make the food - prepare it. It's illegal to terminate them without "just cause." FRED As opposed to "just cuz"? [laughs] JUNE Hah. That's what "the Z word" is about - exposing the ways zombies are exploited. LANDON [TV] You'll be watching this series throughout the holidays, and I'll be tucked up at home with my family. JUNE He's always busy. Hardly ever gets to see them. FRED Oh, boo-hoo. This Frost guy gets to fly all over the world, cussing on TV, and making zillions of dollars, and he wants sympathy? JUNE Don't forget taking his shirt off... [chuckle] But he's also a romantic - always talking about how he misses his wife Pamela. FRED So? He could retire. JUNE Helping improve "life" for ambulates is like a crusade for him. SOUND DOOR OPENS, CUTTING HER OFF FRED [muttered exclamation] Oh shit! SOUND CHAIR SQUEAK, SCRAMBLE LANDON [TV] I'll be meeting my wife in secret at‑‑ SOUND SWITCH, TV OFF DILL [coming in talking] We should be able to improve the bottom line. CHAMBERS AND not expose Tammuz to any more... liability. We are just starting to get back to where we were before Mrs. Skray's... DILL Unfortunate accident? CHAMBERS [grim] Breakdown. DILL Ah. CHAMBERS I need your personal guarantee this won't come back to bite us in the butt. DILL If it does, my butt will have your back. CHAMBERS What? DILL uh... nothing. Dr. Plasmus is expecting us. CHAMBERS Plasmus? What kind of a name is that? DILL Dunno. I only know results, and the good doctor facilitated the "crickets". Look what they've done to help us get back in good odor over the last 18 months. CHAMBERS [favorably impressed] MMmm. DILL And now - [announcing] Project Top Hat! SOUND DOOR OPENS SOUND MUSIC SCENE CHANGE TV DUDE [ON TV] Do you ever have behavior problems with your ambulates? ZOMBIE Grr. OLD LADY [pleased] Cricket! TV DUDE Do they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own? ZOMBIE2 [weird noise] MAN [smug] Cricket. TV DUDE Would you ever have them in the house without it? WOMAN Around my kids? Forget it! KIDS Just CRICKET! TV DUDE Yes, Cricket, the "behavioral reminder" Implant that reminds zombies to toe the line. TV DUDE [quiet, rushed] Results may vary. Some side effects may occur. No guarantee of bodily safety is implied or express in the sale of this product. Not available in all areas. [up] Get Cricket today! Brought to you by your friends at Tammuz Corporation. SOUND MUSIC SOUND WALKING, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN SOUND ZAPS and SQUISHY NOISES PLASMUS You're early. DILL Uh, no. It's - um - six? PLASMUS It is? Hmm. Well, just let me finish this, and-- SOUND BIG ZAP CHAMBERS What are you working on? PLASMUS Shh! DILL [hushed] Sorry, the doc doesn’t multitask. CHAMBERS What? SOUND ONE FINAL ZAP PLASMUS Done. He means I do not work and talk. When you have worked directly in as many brains as I have, you begin to value each function for its own worth, and not merely as a gestalt whole. CHAMBERS Uh, right. So are you ready to gestalted [get started] now? DILL Gestalt isn't-- CHAMBERS I KNOW. PLASMUS It was a bit of a joke? [small dry chuckle] Am I right? CHAMBERS Yeah. PLASMUS I thought as much. I fear that the humor seat of my own brain has probably been left a wee bit underdeveloped. Oh well. Could be MUCH worse. I could have an atrophied hippocampus! [laughs riotously] DILL Uh, yeah. [toady laugh] CHAMBERS That would be unfortunate, indeed. PLASMUS [stops laughing suddenly] But you are not here for pleasantries. You are here to see what I have wrought! CHAMBERS Aha! So that's the smell in here. PLASMUS What? CHAMBERS Rot? PLASMUS [laughs] MUSIC SCENE CHANGE to TV LANDON What the f**k do you think you're doing? You can't have rats in any ambulate work area, you moronic lavat'ry brush! They may not decay, but can still be damaged - do you want to be the one providing your workforce with replacement parts every time rats gnaw a bit off? Or perhaps rats are the only protein going in to your f*****g kibble? SOUND MUSIC DILL So now the doctor will demonstrate--? [hint] PLASMUS Have you forgotten the name again? DILL [uncomfortable] No. no, I just was giving you a chance to - you know - take the glory. PLASMUS You should have warned me. [sigh] It is project top hat for a very simple reason-- SOUND METAL CLANK CHAMBERS It looks like a top hat. Original. DILL And what does it do...? [hinting] PLASMUS Stop doing that. DILL Sorry. PLASMUS [launching into lecture mode] The ambulate workforce is sturdy, capable - albeit slow - and cheap, since all they require is chum, unlike human workers who not only need food, shelter, sleep, etc., but also WANT things. DILL [muttered] Zombies want things too. That's part of the problem. PLASMUS Shush. It is this volition which is the only real drawback to the use of ambulates for many sorts of work - and which gives rise to the various debates over ambulate sentience, and to use an inexact phrase - over their "personhood". CHAMBERS None of this is news. PLASMUS I am setting it up. So if there was a way to mix the useful qualities of the ambulate with the mindless diligence of, say, a computer, wouldn’t that improve their value? CHAMBERS [interested] Yessss.... DILL Of course. PLASMUS So this mechanism will do that - replacing the corpse's brain with a limited function computer, only able to obey commands. CHAMBERS You specify "Corpse"? PLASMUS [pleased] Ah, you caught that. [chuckles] Much like the pre-edict abortion debates, this idealization of ambulates leads to the nasty question of when, precisely, one goes from human, to dead human, to ambulate. DILL You've seen the courtroom reality shows. MUSIC COURT REPORT We'll catch the plaintiff as she leaves. Missus Feinman, Missus Feinman? How do you feel about the jury's ruling? MISSUS Act of god, my eye! My husband had a very clear "do not reanimate" clause in his will - but that doctor failed to catch him at the exact moment to remove the head and prevent reanimation, and now he's stuck. MISTER [zombie moan] MISSUS I can't even have him decently put down, what with the iffy legal status of zombies. [sniffles] COURT REPORT [bland] You have our sympathy, I'm sure. In just a moment, we'll speak to the doctor and his attorney. MUSIC PLASMUS So we must catch them in that window - that tiny "between states" period when we can still legally treat them as objects. CHAMBERS And--? PLASMUS Remove the head. Once the head is gone, the body may yet convert, but does not move, as it has little sensory input to motivate it. CHAMBERS You remove the head? [Slowly gets it] And then you do - oh - ohhhh. The Top Hat. PLASMUS I see you are a quick thinker, Mr. Senior executive. Yes. The unit replaces the so-calle
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