19 Nocturne Boulevard
Julie Hoverson
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19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: TELEGRAM TO SATAN!
A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Leona - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey’s Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey Music by John Woodward Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Les Clay "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** A Telegram ...to Satan! Cast: Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell? MUSIC Scene 1. SOUND PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room REPORTER JUNE How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight. REPORTER BOB So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting? REPORTER KATHY We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor... REPORTER FRED And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair? Scene 2. CHIEF Shut the door. SOUND DOOR SHUTS THEO Where's Leona? CHIEF She'll be here in a minute. Wanted to say something to you first… just the two of us. THEO [a little worried] Yeah? CHIEF You're a cute young guy, Theo... THEO [starting to panic] Uh... CHIEF You seeing anyone right now? THEO I'm kind of ...married to the news. CHIEF I know the feeling. THEO Uh...! CHIEF It's a nice sentiment, but you can’t let the news rule your life, sweetheart. THEO Uh. When is Leona gonna get here? CHIEF What are you doing on Friday night? THEO Uh... Uh... I ... CHIEF Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get. THEO [relieved] Oh! ah! I can clear Friday night. CHIEF It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida. THEO Who? CHIEF But you didn't hear that from me. SOUND DOOR OPENS THEO Dickman? DICKMAN Yeah. THEO [gasp] Oh! I thought it would be Leona. SOUND DOOR SHUTS CHIEF Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third. His grandpa just picked up half the business. DICKMAN Things are gonna run a little different around here. THEO Oh. Is that good? CHIEF [insincere] Sure it is. We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level. SOUND DOOR OPENS LEONA Oh. SOND DOOR SHUTS AGAIN THEO Leona--? She left. CHIEF Musta forgot something. DICKMAN Is that Leona Pope? [chuckle nastily] I think she remembered something. THEO Should I ...go? CHIEF No, I was about to drop a lead on you. DICKMAN I hope you have something good. CHIEF Oh, are you staying? DICKMAN Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom. So yeah, I'm staying. MUSIC Scene 3. AMB ROOF SOUND LIGHTER, SMOKING THEO [off] Leona? LEONA Are you alone? THEO Uh, yeah. LEONA Come on up, then. THEO That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it? LEONA It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke. THEO Oh. [beat] We have an assignment. LEONA We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of? THEO Uh, no. Were you expecting someone? LEONA [sigh] I'll come down. MUSIC Scene 4. SOUND IN CAR LEONA What's the story? THEO I was about to ask you the same thing. LEONA [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get. THEO Oh! Cattle mutilation. It's a bit of a drive. LEONA And Dickman? THEO No. He's got a story of his own. LEONA Which is? THEO [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer. LEONA Figures. Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts. THEO Well, it's actually-- LEONA That jackass gets everything he wants. Almost. THEO Sounds like you have a history. LEONA Used to have an entire curriculum. THEO Huh? LEONA [getting annoyed] History. Chemistry. Biology... [disgusted] Drama. MUSIC Scene 5. AMB FARM LEONA Bucolic. THEO I've never been on a farm before! LEONA I've worked hard to avoid them myself. HADLEY Hallooo! You must be the folks from the World Bugle! THEO Must we? Ah, yes. We must! I mean, that's us! LEONA [flat] Show us the cows. HADLEY I'm Mr. Hadley, and this is Lulu. LULU [goat] Maaaa. LEONA Don't try and tell me that's a cow. HADLEY No, no. Lulu's a goat. They're better than dogs. They can stand guard, fetch, and they're very loyal GOAT Maaa. LEONA You tell him. Show us the cows. HADLEY She can even fetch – here. THEO A ball? Should I throw it? HADLEY Nah – just hold it up. Fetch Lulu! LULU MAAA! SOUND THUMP THEO Ow. HADLEY And now she gets the ball. Just a little goat humor. SOUND BRUSHING OFF, GETTING UP THEO [sigh] Tell us all about this problem you're having with your cattles being... mutilated. LEONA Cattle is already plural. HADLEY Come along and you can see for yourself. THEO Ew? I mean - it's been a couple of days. Won't they be a bit ... ripe? LEONA [musing] Really quick shutter. THEO What? LEONA Catches all the flies in mid-flight. THEO Ewwww.. HADLEY Oh, are you thinking my cows are dead? Oh. No. Come on. MUSIC Scene 6. LEONA [stunned] And WHEN did this happen? THEO How many are there? HADLEY Five. Bessie, Buttercup, Wilamina, Miss Amoorica, and Fred. LEONA You have a cow named Fred? HADLEY She's had a hard life. THEO And all five of them have these... HADLEY Big tattooed triangles. Yep. LEONA Does it go underneath, too, or just end there? HADLEY Nope. Each one has her entire left flank covered in this...ink. THEO And it's not just paint? HADLEY Nope. LEONA Humh. Punk cows. Next thing you know, they'll be going for nipple piercings. THEO That would really be -- LEONA [trying not to laugh] An udder mess. THEO Ew. This doesn't look like something that happened overnight. HADLEY Nope. Someone's a-sneaking in each night and doing it. LEONA And they got THIS much done before you noticed? HADLEY What can I say? I'm a right-sided milker. MUSIC Scene 7. SOUND WALKING IN MUD THEO Ah, nature. LEONA One thing you can say for nature. It stinks. THEO That's the smell of life! LEONA No, it's the smell of the cowpie you just stepped in. THEO Ew. Hey look! Someone's coming! LEONA Is it Lulu? THEO No! [excited] It looks like a girl! LEONA Can't you tell? DAISY [off, calling] He-ey! THEO Hiya! LEONA [hissed, hinting] Interview. Witness. Stay on task. THEO What? SOUND SLAP THEO Right. Hello, miss--? DAISY [running up, panting] I'm Daisy! THEO Yeah? LEONA [hissed] Does she live near here? THEO Do you--? DAISY I'm just one farm over. THEO Oh. Good. LEONA Does she know anything about the cows? DAISY Huh? THEO HuH? LEONA Tell you what. We're gonna play blindfold questions. DAISY That sounds like fun! THEO What? [muffled] Hey, what are you doing? [clear again] But I can't see anything now! LEONA That's the idea. DAISY Who are you folks anyway? I never got a chance to-- THEO We're from the World Bugle. Investigating the cows. DAISY Oh! The tattoos? THEO Yeah. Are they happening at your farm too? LEONA Turn to the left, just a bit. THEO Huh? LEONA You're talking to her shoulder. THEO Ah. DAISY Well, no, ain't no one else in the valley having the same problem. And no one can figure out how it's happening, nohow! THEO No one knows how he's doing it? DAISY He? Do you know who it is? THEO Just reporter shorthand. Playing the odds. [serious sounding] Most of these kind of... uh "perps" are male. 82%, in fact. LEONA Nice fake. DAISY Wow! THEO Not that we rule anyone out. You could even be the one doing this. DAISY Not me! I can't even draw a cow. [sudden interest] Who's that? LEONA Who? Shit! My turn for the blindfold. SOUND WHIP OF FABRIC THEO [Baffled] Leo? What? Why are you tying that over your whole face? LEONA [muffled] Shut up! DICKMAN [coming on] Finally some sign of life out here in the hinterlands. DAISY I dunno where hinter's land is. Is he new around here? THEO [getting it] Oh! Hi, Mr. Dickman. DICKMAN You can call me Ace, kid. THEO [chummy] And you can call me Theo, Ace. LEONA [muffled] "Smoothie" THEO Shh. DAISY Can I call you Ace too? You look kinda familiar. Have we ever met? DICKMAN So, kid, who's the
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